i m gonna go JCC!i clocked my ippt silver for pro term.not really happy abt it cuz its something i should clear with ease.i m jus happy i can go to JCC,not cuz i wan to,but i dun wanna leave my section with one man down,and also i trained so hard for it,and i dun wan to be a storeman.i cant wait for brunei to be over,cuz then i can safely say i m abt half way there.

we were talking abt how army changed us.well,i tink we all can agree tt wad u learn here cant really be applied outside,but the only takeaway is tt we value our loved ones more.the feeling tt the time spent with ur family/frenz/gf can suddenly be taken away from u.and it applies to real life to a certain extend.perhaps u have plans the coming weekend and u so look forward to seeing ur loved ones,then suddenly u got confined or extra due to some shit,and u cant carry out wad u so look forward to do.and during the time when others can be happy,u r in camp thinking even jus one more hour to see them will make u happy enough,u dun even need one day,jus one hour.

i m flying off next week,one day b4 my bday.tt sucks.to my section,i hope u guys can pull me along this tough journey and tolerate me.to my parents,do not worry,i will be fine,things will be tough but i wun fall.to my gf,u have to stay strong,its only 3 weeks,it can be quite long,but u noe i will come back safely,stay focused.to all my frenz and bros,i will find time to catch up with u guys when i m back =)

health recently have been very bad.i tink its cuz my body cannot adapt to sudden changes.had flu and slight fever,so no choice had to go A&E for walk in clinic last midnight.i rather have an MC and rest at home than to go back camp and get attend B.

going back to tt horrid place later.things r getting worst and worst.my clock is ticking i know.is either i go for brunei but no JCC,or i m being sent to PRB and re-course or ooc.but of cuz,these are only some of the possible scenrios tt can happen.

i m now thinking very positive.i tried my best,i did wad i have to.and maybe ttz life,not everyone understands u,and u may not get wad u wan even if u did all the right things.sometimes,shit juz happens and things dun go your way.but i tink wad is most impt is tt i can see my family,frenz and gf every weekend.i tink to me,ttz the most impt thing than anything else.i can throw everything away,but i cannot let my loved ones be taken away or take me away from them.perhaps ttz y i m not affected anymore cuz i realised the thing tt is the most impt to me

just came back from ippt,and i m feeling very down.somehow,i have been down for so long tt i gotten used to the feeling.perhaps ttz life,and for my case,ttz my life.i somehow cannot jump far no matter wad i do.i stretched,i trained,i ate less,i do weights for legs,but instead of improving,i deproved.and i dun understand y.no one does.ppl dun really care,or rather,ppl dun understand y is it so difficult cuz they can do it with ease.

i used to jump 216 in BMT,then 225 at the start of OCS,which is a silver,then now when i need tt kinda result at least,i dropped to 221,which is only a pass.with a pass,i cant go JCC,and probably will get out of course or not able to commission.i dun like to feel at the minority,dun even say isolated.now,only me and one guy in the wing got a pass,and they are pushing us like mad.ppl jus think tt we nv train,or nv put in enough effort,which is ez to say.

i feel very sian,but i m sian of being sian alr.i dunno how many times have i felt tt i m in this sort of situation.its been with me all my life.i jus wanna be good at it,and wipe off those ppl who doubt me.its when u usually can do it,then suddenly u cant,and ppl doubt u,and u doubt yourself.i feel i let alot of ppl down,i let my gf down,my sirs down,and those who believed in me.but still,is it as impt?maybe ppl here will tink u cmi,but when u get out,things will be as per normal right?

it was a tiring week and i shrink alot due to trainings.all in the prep for brunei.saw the video on brunei,and i noe the 21 days will kill me.the days is going to be tough,and i know i will be pushed to the pt of my mental and physical limit.i bet i will think of my loved ones all the time,but perhaps tt is want will get me thru i hope.i m worried,in fact,on the bigger picture,i dun see myself at sept 13th as much as i hope to survive til then.i juz got this weirdest feeling tt there are people going to take me out.and i will juz be like a cockroach tt refuses to die.bugging the instructors and they trying their utmost to get me off their backs.

thinking thru my life,i m happy wad i have been thru.experiences from then til now,made me know myself alot,made me open my eyes and learn from mistakes from myself and others.all in all,it made me a better person.i used to hate my previous relationship alot,and i lead a single,aimlessly swinging life for a few yrs.but to think abt it,be it good or bad,things happen for a reason.rather,u learn things tt happened to u.perhaps not being in a bad relationship would not make me realise wad i wan and wad i dun.even with crazy 3yrs after tt,i enjoyed and learnt to draw the line as not to go overboard.and perhaps if all tt didnt happen,i would not learn to treasure my relationship now,and my parents and friend who are always here for me.

i m happy to what i have become now coming 21.and to my little girl,i m happy of wad u became.look at you,u grown up so much and u may not notice.from your looks,to your character,and u grow so fast.i m glad u are willing to follow my lead and adapt to me.i m not saying i m very clever but i m sure tt being older means being able to guide u in the right path and mindset.i m proud to say tt u are an 18 yr old thinking like 19 or 20.though there are things u still may not understand,but i hope to guide u along.whats the use of wanting the best for urself and not for ur partner?its a race we will win as one.its no longer ur typical high sch romance,or a whirlwind romance,i m way passed tt stage.u wun be hearing us quarrel over silly matters like talking to someone of the opp sex,its way dumb.a relationship is based on the trust,maturity,sensibility,and understanding between 2 individuals,and how compromises is made so as to keep things going for the better.ttz what i hope to built as a strong base as we progress.i wish to show u the definition of how u should feel when someone truly appreciates and cherish u,and i hope it would be incomparable.u dun have to do much,being able to stick with me thru times of adversity is already the best u can do.expectations will raise as time goes along,but i know we will live up to it =)

this week is quite an emo week,at least for the first half of it.i was damn down cuz of my soc and ippt.i tot i failed my soc cuz cs said his timing was 5 secs away from passing.still was recovering from flu,but went ahead with ippt,killer 4km route march,soc.and got a freaking bad headache after tt.but turned out i passed my soc,meaning no more soc til the end of ocs?and i cleared one VITO factor

went to sentosa with my girl.well,it was not too bad,considered tt we did get a few hours of sun til it started raining,but we went off juz as it started to rain,made some food with the help of my mom,made fruit salad and some taco wrap thingy.not too bad actually,considering i tried to make food.hahaha.no photos for now,the photos are all with the gf so have to wait til i get it.

somethings u noe but u tend not to noe,or think abt it,somethings r juz hard to ignore,but for the greater good,u will do juz tt.i m changed i noe,i m no longer the kid full of anger and emotions,no longer the playful kid who wans to have fun,staying out late with a few drinks too many and nicotine in my breath.i no need anyone to tell me wads bad for me,i m a soon-to-be 21 yr old young adult.now tt i kept my horns and wearing a halo,i hope things stays.though sometimes,old habits die hard,esp my temper whenever i see something tt is an eye sore to me,or hear or know,and it will cause my tongue to be coated with posion,infecting those around me.i dun wanna behave like a young punk anymore,i m happy this way and i hope it stays,and anger dun overwhelm me ever

end of my block leave.it juz ended like that.i got fever yday,gf came for awhile but then had to go back cuz i suddenly felt sick,and it was no pt she stayed to watch me slp.i wasted like a day cuz i was sick,supposed to go out.and suppose to go jogging and sentosa but feeling dizzy.and i got caught in the rain juz now,feeling abit sick again

infantry i stayed,so meaning to say i have to chiong already.i dun wanna be the bottom few,cuz i noe ttz not where i belong,i m gonna work hard to be at the above average slot.and will start with fitness first.

weimin once said everytime b4 book in,in the car,he will look at his gf,and his gf will look at him,then there would be silence,cuz they know the feeling.i didnt feel this way for the last 2 months,but now i m starting to feel abit.i dunno,but i dun wanna have to worry if anything would happen to my relationship,and i dun wanna feel tt the relationship is falling apart but i m stuck in camp and cant do anything abt it.so i hope this wouldnt happen.

to me,it doesnt matter when it happened,or how it happened.wad happens is,how i feel right now,and i feel great,and i dun wan to stop feeling this way.but still,things will be more official when times come.and i cant wait for tt day.it would be damn damn tough,but hang in there,we will make it thru =)

Its the end of service term,and yes,i stayed in infantry.meaning to say,more SOC and ippt and SEOC,JCC and CSB.woo,infantry pride.wasnt upset tt i didnt go atry cuz its more or less the same thing.having block leave now,but it seems damn fast.

social night was on thurs,and it was kinda sucky,i dunno,at the start,i was kinda unhappy due to certain issues but was later sorted out and everything was fine.i was damn pissed tt i didnt take any photos with my girl tt night.wasted,wear so nice but nv take.went to fashion bar after tt and got really drunk but have to make sure the gf reaches home safe and sound.

woke up the next morning feeling all hang-ed,supposed to go sentosa but woke up like 12 plus.so being the smart ass tt i m,i decided to call the gf to my place instead.hahaha.so i can laze around.i was afraid tt my mom will make noise cuz she was more traditional but end up it turned out quite ok.she even gave her one extra plate of mango,wth.but she insisted tt she was treating vivian like any other fren,but i can tell my parents kinda like her.oh well,hope they become best frenz.LOL.since she brought her camera,i decided to snapshot some of it since my blog hasnt had any pictures

who's tt girl using my com?lol

dun hide,i know u know i m taking

dun slouch

ttz better

one picture b4 leaving

everlast singlets!lol

got dragged into the camwhoring business.but its ok.haha.it was kinda fun though.but i look so much fatter than last time la.damn sian.

its time for my weekly blog entry.shall not go on abt the emo OCS shit.had nights out the other night,and i went out with my girl to catch a show.the show kinda suck but then it was the best that was screening.but we had free popcorn tt day cuz she found money on the floor.wad a lucky girl.

then today we went for brkfast,suppose to run but it was raining.so no choice,i ran alone.and i didnt noe tt my place to SG gardens and back is only 7km which is 35mins jog.went for brkfast with my girl and family.its a big step for everyone cuz i nv brought a girl into my family circle.and my parents may feel weird,esp my mom who takes more time to adjust.but surprisingly,she was quite nice to her.i didnt expect tt based on a bad experience.i can tell my mom was trying to tok to her.wad a lucky girl u r.lol.my mom even asked me to encourage her to study hard and get to a poly with a business course.either she really like her or my mom changed.lol

went out with my babe after tt.went to bugis,saw many ppl,went to town,saw more ppl.i kept having sweet stuff today.first it was the mango ice,then the oreo vanilla,and then latte.girl,u gotta stop me man.u noe i cant help myself when it comes to sweet stuff.yes yes,u will get ur bread papa sweets one day.but first,lets focus on staying healthy shall we.

its been a long time since i felt this way.in fact,its a totally different feeling.but i like the way it feels.things juz come so naturally and sometimes u juz noe it tt it feels right,without any explaination.i know tt sometimes i tend to blabber alot,but i dun wanna make promises.wanna know if i can keep to my promises?let my actions do the talking.ppl change,feelings change,but i hope this relationship defies tt theory.for some reason,wad i have been looking for was found in someone least expected.but wadever it is,i m lucky to have found it.everything works both ways,i dun wanna work alone,work with me,we will make a better tomorrow.it could be a rollercoaster ride,but hang on tight,dun let go of the handle,and eventually,u will still come back safely.

and as for u,work hard for ur future,study hard,excel and do me proud,i noe u can do it.a good partner not only cares for his girl and him alone,he also cares for her health,her future,and things tt r impt to her,like her frenz and family too.he will look at the bigger picture and all the factors tt may affect her in any way,so tt he can keep a lookout for her all the time.and i m that kinda guy.i will do juz tt.its not self promote,but if i take up the status,i will take on those responsibility.stay with me and tt day may come sooner than expected =)

i m actually feeling happy now.but sometimes i do doubt this feeling.maybe i m expecting too much too soon.or maybe its juz my impulsive and impatient nature.perhaps i juz wanna be the best and i dun wan anyone to intrude my space of happiness.i do somehow feel tt there is always this interruption,though its doesnt come often,but it can be quite a disturbance at times.its like an old injury,every now and then,it comes back to hinder u.perhaps i juz wanna get rid of tt hindrance for good as soon as possible cuz i dun like anything to stop me from progressing.on the whole,i m happy,happy tt it is alot different from the past,and how i like this difference alot.it puts my past to shame actually,made me feel wad was i doing in tt 2 & 1/2 yrs. but its juz tt tiny itch on the back tt is bothering me and i m so eager to get rid. and i hope the feeling is mutual,if not the feeling i have will mean nth actually.if i were to climb a mountain,i wanna be at the top and only the top,and i would stay at the top.i will not share this top spot,which i earned,and i would eliminate anyone who wanna try climbing.call me an egoist,but when it comes to this,i m will be aggressive if i have to.perhaps we r still keeping our distances,cuz it hasnt actually begun.hope by the time it does begin,i wun face all this.or maybe its juz my pre book-in syndrome.

finally,i m back from my confinement.thruout the service term,i have stayed in like 4 weekends.i really dunno how i get thru tt but still i got over it.nvm,wadever is over is over.i will not do it again.i juz finished ex rhino,ex scorpion king and tt bloody turn out. but nvm,tt marks the end of the high key of service term.i really dunno how long will i survive but i will try to take it day by day.sometimes i m reluctant to push myself to the limits.but yet u noe tt only by going to the limits then u will improve.i dunno,i feel very stressed here,yet i cant open to much ppl.

i dun care wad u have done in the past,i dun tink its right to pass judgement.u r here with me now,and i like it for wad u r.wad happened has happened,i cant change tt,but i can change the future.its a pity i came a step too late the other time,but its ok,we start from here now.as long as u stay true to who u r,and stay to the qualities tt i see in u,then the rest doesnt matter as much.we make mistakes,no one is perfect,sometimes we dun even noe wad we are tinking,but most imptly,we shouldnt bring forward those mistakes into the present.its unfair to u tt army has only left 1/7 of the time with me,but if u can go thru this with me juz a few months more,things will get alot better.and i understand u,u will call u whenever i have the time =)

a long long time since i updated my blog.someone is saying that my blog got spider web alr...yea right.lolx.its been a long time since i have time to book out and sit down and blog.life in ocs,damn tough,dun have time to blog abt it.got time also dun wanna talk abt it.life is tough,time is short,and extras make them even shorter.i dun mind the tough life,as long as every weekend i m able to come back to my frenz and family,i m glad enuff.but i hardly have 24 hours to myself a week.

tough life.hard to get by.friends inside are hard to find.training is tough,combat training is even tougher.it is only the beginning.and u wonder,how are u going to get it thru when the going gets tougher,when u have no buddies going thru with u,and u noe that u r not at that level to be considered "safe".a worry in a long run.

and here is something for u.i m enjoying the pace and where this is going.not asking for much,something simple is good enuff for me.waiting for the butterfly to emerge and fly to me,but leave your shell behind.dun worry,we have time on our side,the time to slowly crawl out of your shell and spread ur wings.i cant dictate or control whats gonna happen in the future,i can only hope.and i hope we are working towards the same goal,and eventually it would end up how we want it to be.and i hope u realise that i m different.so different that u would forget and move on to a much brighter road ahead =)

ever have ppl congratulating u when u feel its nth to be celebrated abt?ttz how i felt.Only.Can.Suckthumb = OCS.ttz where i m posted to next.i noe,i believe everyone's reaction,including myself,is WTF.i also dunno how i ended up there.in fact,i wasnt happy,i was confused.and i felt tt i dun deserve to be there.cuz firstly,my ippt suck.i muz admit i wanted to go there but towards the end i juz didnt have tt desire and i did everything half fuck.and Bryan who is platoon 3rd best went to sispec,while me this half fuck guy,go OCS.i felt so undeserving.

my parents wasnt very supportive cuz it means i have to chiong.and this time is really chiong.my mom was not very happy,my dad said i can try to down pes if i wanna.cuz firstly,i got this leg prob,which explains y my leg is so skinny.i cant squat or low kneel.its not an injury,i m juz borned this way.if i were to report,they would send me to medical review and i would down pes to be clerk or something.but if i dun and i continue,i may struggle to keep up or even injure myself.so it was a big decision.i very really confused.

thus,i tink again.if i quit now,i m juz a quitter,quitting without knowing how OCS is like.and i m chosen to be the best,ppl r dying to be in my place,and i m trying to push it away.so i tot to myself,might as well give it a shot.i have nth to lose.at most,if i really cannot make it.then have to OOC.but at least i tried and i m not a quitter,i m juz not good enuff.i really have to be very up nowadays.be prepared for more torture and less weekends.i really hope my SBJ can improve.it would remove a big stone in my heart.til next time ppl,3 weeks confined.i hope to blog again =)

POP LO!!!but i dunno is it a good thing or not.its good tt i m finally out of tekong,and no longer a recruit.but if u look at the bigger picture...i would be going somewhere even worst,and for a longer period of time.wadever it is,i juz hope to enjoy my time during my block leave.so now,i m gonna do a reflection of my BMT life!

FITNESS : definitely improved,but maybe not alot,but still,improvements.

STRENGTH : confirm improve.esp joining NINJA tug of war,my grip got improve

PHYSICAL ENDURANCE : i tink abt the same.no diff

MENTAL ENDURANCE : this one i tink improve the most.after all the tekan sessions and the shit ninja put us thru.it improved alot.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE : the saddest of them all.whether is i gain built or became fat,the bottomline is - i gained mass.

WHAT I ACHIEVED : i learnt to become more carefree.i dun worry as much as i used to and learn to take things a step at a time.its good cuz i dun worry as much as before.i mastered how to suck thumb.and i learn to move alot faster too.

WHAT I DIDNT ACHIEVE : my beautiful body.LOL.and i tink i can fuck it alr.cuz my training regime is different.and during my BMT time,we didnt train physical.it was playing with more of our mental.

WHAT I OVERCOME : i m most proud tt i overcame my phobia of heights,esp my SOC.

WHAT I DIDNT OVERCOME : SBJ.its still a hindrance to me.to most,running is a prob.to me,it isnt the biggest.my biggest prob is to some one of the ezier stations.

9 weeks passed.BMT phase over.to an outsider it is fast.but to me,it wasnt very fast.i got flu like 2 weeks ago.til now still haven recovered.cuz of the accumilated exhaustion.i was sick,but in order not to miss all the events,i didnt report.i went for 12km,sit test,soc test,16km with a flu for the whole week.i was glad tt i manage to survive,but end up,i didnt perform.i failed my soc test when its suppose to come ez to me.

9 weeks as a ninja.i can say i m proud to have endured the mental torture thrown at us.its like very obvious they r all out to kill us.but we managed to overcome tt.i would say i didnt regret coming in ninja.at least when u go out telling ppl u r from here,u gain respect.not cuz they r xiong,but their standard is really up.when we r within our coy,u cant tell.but when we go to the parade square with other coy,our unity and discipline stands out.its only after 6-7 weeks of shit then u will realise tt u r actually one step above the others.

but one thing i feel very sian abt is...i screwed up my bmt life.i got a pass for ippt,and my soc failed.i feel screwed up cuz i noe i can do better.my soc should be no kick to me,but due to the flu,i failed by few secs.and my ippt,juz 4 cm more to silver.but sometimes in life,shit happens.juz have to suck thumb.at least i noe where i stand and wad i can do and achieve.

back for the 3rd week.so far...its been better in some pt.and worst in some.i can see tt the "tekan session" is getting more and more.now we one shot can pump like 300-400 in one day and i m not exggerating.cuz of stupid reasons.and we got nth much to do,so always "area cleaning"

this week i threw a live grenade.i threw the dummy one well,the SPG well also.but i slipped at the live one.hahaha.it wasnt cuz i was scared,it was merely an accident.my sir was like "wah chee bye!".hahaha.

the one more memorable event is my SOC.i kinda got the phobia for it,only becuz of the jacobs ladder.the rest i tink its quite ez,some r quite fun.but when i first went up the ladder,my balls shrink.i crawled up man.my comms down there say "eh!no hands on the log,one leg one log!".then when i reach the top i froze.then they say "fuck,juz go juz go,wun fall one.jus go!".but after a few attempts,i sort of manage to do it.but as far as possible,i wanna avoid it.

but it seems better cuz it our CSM seems to have lighten up.he is always this very fierce CSM,scold and pump ppl all the time.but now he will joke with us,tok to us,even do physical with us.from wad i heard,he dun do this sort of things in the previous batch.so i consider myself lucky,and i hope he remain like tt cuz we like him better this way.

its been 16 days since i blogged.cuz i was in army.so i have alot alot alot of things to tok abt man.first of all,i have to say.it was the longest 2 weeks of my life.man,of cuz first day cant slp.but subsequently got so tired tt u juz slp.of all coys,i was posted to ninja.ninja got a rep in sch 2,so i noe it was gonna be tough.somehow teh han is the commander there,but lucky we nv clash also.if not hard to do things.

at first i didnt like the system,the dicipline is damn strict.like everything muz be fast,in order,neat.if not...knock it down.in ninja,for first 2 weeks,we pump like crazy alr.i can get pumped 100-200 in a day.and i still didnt like the system.when we r low in morale,no one motivated us.when we r in high spirits,they shot us right down.and in army,other than the recs,no one is ur frenz.oh and the csm very fierce,tink everyone scared of him.

at some pt,i felt it mentally hard to take.u get scolded for everything.no matter how gd u do,its nv good enuff.we r like 2 weeks soldiers only man,how good can we do?but its not their prob is it.sometimes we only have half hour to wash clothes,bathe,and area clean.dun even have time to shit sometimes.my ippt only a pass cuz of my sbj.fuck.the rest i got a 5.i was quite impressed.but my sbj cannot make it.

lucky i have an extra day to rest cuz of deepavali.i dun mind the PT.its tough,but at least it brings us tgt.the rest of the shit i juz feel no pt learning.i expect it to be alot worst when we book in.imagine,during "adjustment week" we kena alr.now its over,i dunno how they will play us.we do feel like dogs sometimes.ask u sit u sit,ask u roll over u roll over.ask u run u run.i dunno m i blessed,maybe i will noe 7 weeks later

my final weekends b4 going in.its juz like 3-4 days more?damn sian.gonna shave my head on tues?get it over and done with.went club on friday,not fun at all,in fact,it was damn boring.tt should be my last time going in a long time.its a good time to stop alcohol,tobacco,and late nights.alcohol still can occasional,but the other 2 i wish to stop,and i hope i can hold by my word

i didnt slp last night.i was damn tired...but i juz tossed and turned,guess my internal clock is damn haywired.somehow in the late night,my mind becomes damn active.so i decided the best way is not to slp,then slp early tonight.i m not crazy,its juz a sooner or later thing.i will have to adjust it and i rather do it here.abt time too.since my o levels,i nv slp b4 12.

now i m like...super stone.like super cuz i nv slp at all.juz closed my eyes til next morning 7 and ate brkfast with my folks.then napped awhile,like an hour.felt slightly better,but i still look like a zombie.but wtf la,today...not gonna care abt image.3 days to adjust as much as i need =)

i better make a quick update,shall not leave my "angry" post as my latest post cuz it would seem tt i m always angry.ok quick update,i pierced my right ear alr like a week ago.nth big,juz glad tt i got it pierced.and i may get a tattoo around my arm after i ORD,but tt still have to KIV first.

its countdown for army.abt a week's time.time flies.it sucks to see frenz ORD-ing while u haven POP-ed.but wth,have to make full use of my army time.i shall make a resolution now,i wanna get my body done by the end of my army life.i have been working out all the time but it doesnt seem to be improving...maybe its time to increase the intensity of workout.i dun tink my diet is a prob.

with the army hype going on,i have been running alot.i m real happy cuz i sort of conquered alot of long runs during the week.first i ran from my place to lor chuan then back from serangoon gardens to my place.then next i ran the whole of ave 10 X half of ave 3.then today i ran like alot alot too.sweating like a dog,but it sure feels good.bet if i continue this for 2 months,i will be damn lean.i m juz happy tt i overcame wad i tot i couldnt achieve.it jus showed me tt its possible.and somehow i like running,cuz i can be a retard,no emotion,no thinking,ur minds a blank,and ur legs juz run on the road,wherever it takes u.

in life,we make mistakes knowing or unknowingly,so we accept things,we move on.no pt asking y,sometimes the reason juz aint impt,it juz happened and knowing the reason doesnt stop wad tt had happen.so i m cool,as always.haha.

i have some frustrations i wan to vent out here.for those ppl who tinks i m being emo or wadever,i say fuck u and close this window.lets saves us this trouble

ok,first and for most,i tink it juz happened again.boy meets girl,both were happy,suddenly girl ignores boy,and frenship turns sour.i cant count how many times this happened on me.i tink i have alot of girls tt were once frenz but now not toking alr.i juz wanna ask,y?i dun tink its my fault.but i admit tt happen so many times,it muz be me right?but i was jus being myself

well,this time,i m NOT sad or emo,and i meant that.i sort of had tt emergency route planned out.but still,its inevitable tt i m feeling disappointed tt yet another frenship gone bad for no reason,how long muz that happen?i somehow felt this was a misunderstanding.perhaps i m ez to get along,but hard to understand,ttz y i m often being misunderstood.but still,y muz i feel i lost a fren when the other party doesnt feel its any lost to them?

perhaps,one day they will realise they juz didnt try to understand.i tried to tink from an unbias pov,analysed with close buddies,and i dun see where m i wrong.well,if having full of admiration for someone is a sin,then i m guilty of my actions.if i fancy someone,i show it out,its not crime,and its tt simple.anything wrong?i tried to tok things to clear any misunderstanding,but it doesnt seemed to be working.then no choice.i did my best and no regrets.i juz dun see the pt in me trying on.i wun feel it's a waste unless it matters to the other party,which in most case doesnt.i juz wanna noe wad's my problem.if there's anyone who is close to me,kindly help me with this.cuz i dun wanna crack my head

Jason Stanley is feeling damn tired today,cuz he was fucking drunk last night.i tink this time was the worst.but lets go back b4 the drinking.met up with my poly mates,got ccl,ssy,knn,kw,guan zhu,yz,kel,edwin ang,pcl,james.we went to marche to eat.i didnt really fancy that place cuz the concept isnt fantastic,its juz different,and damn ex.but nonetheless we did enjoy our dinner,had alot of "army talk",which i will be going in soon

then after that,JJ and gang called and said they wanted to go st james.somehow,i didnt wanna club.i juz wanna drink and chill.and so i went with pcl and edwin ang to O bar to drink,partly cuz i was wearing berms.me and edwin was seeing who send who home.haha.first,tequila shot and pop,down.ok no kick.next a jug of screw driver,no prob man,like orange juice.after that,flaming lambo.hmmm,okok,starting to feel the kick.then later comes one edwin ordered,called jagar bomb.dunno wtf is that,but it does wonders.then come another jug or vodka ribena,and where the fuck was i again?oh ya,O bar.LOL.

believe it or not,i was still very ok,i can still rmb wad i did and said yday.and check this out,i was able to shower and remove my contacts b4 slping despite being drunk,i m getting the hang of alcohol.LOL.i reached home at 6 this morning.i look like shit recently cuz of the late nights,fucking hell killing me.but wtf.i woke up feeling damn cranky i dunno y.i felt damn pissed for some reason.wadever it is,gonna do wad pleases me,wadever irks me,can FO.damn left out cuz i m not in army.i dun believe i cant get ippt gold.and i wanna get OCS.

its so fucking near now i can almost smell it.mixed reactions actually.yes i m glad there is army,teach u how to be a man,be the most fit in ur life rather than being a slob all ur life without knowing abt healthy living.and ya,its a fucking waste of time cuz ppl will fuck u up over nth.and also the fear of being and doing unfamiliar things.but life is alr a bitch,army is a flea infested female dog with rabies which didnt have food for more than 24 hours.i dunno how i came up with that,but u get my pt,and i need rest now

wad a quiet friday night.it always has been for the past few weeks man.chilling out on ice cold beer,relaxing.it sucks but then,its good to be home.juz one of those days where r u home for 24 hours and more.well,i m taking a brk from alcohol and...yea,alcohol.no more alcohol in my blood,no more late nights.i somewhat feel i aint suit tt sort of lifestyle unless occasionally.

went st james the other night,and it was like boring.so unlike the other week i went.yes ppl,i have been clubbing once a week,but ttz only cuz i m left with a month b4 i go in NS.tt night was fucked up.first the crowd wasnt fun,secondly sabrina called me and told me she was drunk.damn was i worried for her,i didnt wan her to be taken advantage of or anything to happen,it would be real fucked up if it did.wad pisses me off was tt when i called back,her fren picked up,acting like it was her,and like totally wan me to fuck off.wad the fuck man.but wadever it is,i dun wanna noe,juz glad it was over =)

well i tink the most impt is to be happy in wadever u'all do.we do have our instincts man,trust it,we r built with natural instincts,deep down we noe wad we should do,so do wadever the fuck u wan.there's no such thing as "i dunno wad to do".well,u do noe wad to do but u r hesitating.and we always have a choice man.juz end ur day with no regrets.

i used to tink there is a "fixed way" to life,like life has its instruction manual,everything is by the books.but see,here's the thing,different ppl lead life differently,and different ppl have different defination of success.some ppl thinking being healthy is success,some ppl think carreer or money is.so we all have our own goal.but tt doesnt mean we have to be rigid abt it.its good to have a goal,but its subjected to change.it would be good if we could juz live by the moment,take each day by each day,then life would be all abt surprises man.if there's one thing i learnt,is tt going by the books sucks,it limits ur potential,juz set urself free from all those mental barriers.

the rain pours and pours and pours,i dun mind if it rains at night,but in the afternoon??where is my afternoon sun man!i wan my healthy tan and my swimming pool water.somehow,i juz cant swim when the sun is not out,ok not cant,but juz makes me dun wanna make a wasted trip to the pool.

so i shall re-enforce on the pts i made,and i hope everyone would be freed of their probs or mental barriers too.be happy in wadever u do.dun end the day regretting.do wadever ur heart tells u,believe in it.and juz do it like u have nth to lose,and dun expect anything in return if things dun work out.

i would be in army in a month's time.it sounds ez but it take alot of mental endurance more than physical.and me being the smart guy tt i m(ok tt was juz a joke),took a rough timing for my 2.4km run,and the result = 10.30+min.the '+' is cuz i gave up at the last 100m when the timing was abt 10.15.wth,wad m i doing...army need 9.44 leh.even my frenz in army used to run alot slower now can run 9.10+,wtf.dun believe i cant do it!argh.going to "training to be soldiers,fight for our land".sian

i m feeling alot different than i used to.so i decided to change my blogskin too,at least its something new.i like to share my exp to maybe those who r feeling the same.i used to doubt myself alot,and i mean alot,i dun really believe in myself.

to be honest,maybe ttz y i went to train so hard,to look good so i can feel more confident.but the truth is,its very tiring,and not happy.i used to tink if i had this guy's built,or this guy's body,then i wun feel so inferior,then i would attract ppl,instead of feeling outcasted sometimes.

but i look around,and i tot,y m i putting so much emphasize on my bad pts?y muz i control myself so much so tt i could juz look abit better.i see ppl piling junk,slp late,dun drink water but they look great.i tot to have a good body u muznt do all tt?then i realise,tt they may be doing some unhealthy stuff,but at least,they r happy,and they enjoy wad they r doing.of cuz i m saying its right to do all tt,but of cuz,there is a limit to everything

if there's one thing i learn,there is not fixed instruction-manual to how u rule ur life.yes there r things u should avoid,but sometimes,juz for the fun,u dun have to go by the books,so long as u r clear and u enjoy.i used to think it was my imperfection tt was keeping me away from the things tt i wan,but i look around,and i see ppl who have more imperfection r living happier than i m,and they dun feel tt it can keep them from wad they wan.

i m so glad i passed tt phase.at least i can say now,i m feeling happy.i m doing the things i like,but of cuz limit myself.so my advice to those who r feeling down,dun be.our imperfection makes us unique,we all have our strengths,so focus on it.do wadever u wan and please,so long as u r happy with wad u r doing.ttz most impt,and dun be afraid to follow ur heart,but at the same time be able to differentiate wad's right and wrong.jus....enjoy!

FINALLY,after blog rot for like...dunno how many days.i m back to for a new post.many things to say.so lets start with the highlights.hahaha.

First of all,i quitted my job alr.GAP has been the longest job i held (abt 5 months) and one which i enjoyed the most.met many many frenz,like keong,alex,jeremy lim & ho, jezebel,joyce,farhan,yuwei and many others left unmentioned.it has been a hell of a time working with u guys,and even though things have to change at the end,the team i once worked with will remain in my memories.

One stage of my life done,now preparing for the next : Army. only a month plus more.i m currently having all the trainings i need but i believe its alot more mental than physical in the army,in fact,in everything.but meanwhile i wanna keep my best shape going in.living my active lifestyle which i enjoy most as it is.for now,the keyword is "Enjoy".

bored bored bored.so i m blogging.figures.haha.its always good to do some reality checks in my life,so here goes.would be busy with work,alot of things to do after the sales,new stock,stock out,pack store.but still trying to squeeze time for my trainings,its hard on me but no choice.

recently my weight dropped til 56.9.i was abt 58+ but i dropped abt a month alr.i hope its a good sign of weight loss due to strict diets and more cardios.a officially declared subway my fav fast food.its more expensive if u compare with mac & others.but to me i tink the nutrition value is worth.outside food r not too healthy,of cuz,y would the hawker sell u healthy food which dun taste good?but still,to me,i wouldnt mind spending like 8 bucks on a foot long,not saying i m rich,money is impt,but its not everything.y dun i have a cant-get-fat body or natural muscles i wonder,some ppl juz dun have to train,or diet,juz slack and anyhow eat also look lidat.but nvm,everyone works differently

come to tink abt it.my life is rather complete.i have my frenz around me all the time,i have my work to keep me busy,and i enjoy keeping myself healthy.i got wad i earned for,my money,my health.but still,there is juz tt one thing missing.juz tt last missing piece to the puzzle.juz lack tt extra something,tt additional motivation tt makes my life juz a little more meaningful.wad's tt thing called.erm....hmmmm

finally touching my blog again,ppl asking me for updates.so hear comes one.been busy with the same old thing.workout(gym+ running),work(still at GAP),and friends.i m going for a chalet this week.need a brk man.from work esp.workload is starting to get heavy,and its very sian.but not everything is gonna be smooth forever right.this week i haven have time for workout.next week back to full force though.

i bought 2 polos and a pair of GAP jeans for 68 bucks.which is very cheap.the 2 polos r on sale,which cost 26.10 in total(55% discount,good deal).but the jeans was supposed to be on nett price which should be 95 bucks.but my very good in-charged gave me tt item on a sale prices,which is abt 42?(its a steal man,STEAL).my life at GAP,juz lovely.haha

its true,sometimes u say things u dun totally mean.like u act u dun care but actually it pinches a little.like having no gf,its very sian.but then going army alr,and i dun feel for anyone strongly.interest,yes.make me wanna commit,not quite.but sometimes its juz nice to see a guy who isnt a anybody,but in the eyes of the partner,he is like the best,and treated like one.how long have i not felt tt feeling,being treated like the best guy on earth.and no one i noe is wanting to give me tt feeling too.but ttz life,and i m wasting my life away.i feel i dun love myself enough for others to love me sometimes.all the things i m doing,is onli to improve myself.i still dun feel i have reached the pt tt i m comfortable fully with myself.maybe i should stop envying others and find my strengths

sometimes i feel i get offended ezily.maybe.but sometimes i juz dun joke around with certain things.i dun like ppl to say things for the sake of saying which has no truth in it.i dun like ppl to comment on things which i cannot change,cuz believe me,i m wanting to change myself a million times as much as u say it.and sometimes i express my tot,and ppl say its "emo",and its very irritating.i dun usually bear a grudge,but if its personal,i will take it hard and give one back,for as long as i can rmb.but ttz juz me.and i need my drive in my life,other than my own imperfection

wow.so long since i touched my blog.super long man.well,i been to msia over the weekends and it was so fun.all i can say is in KL,juz whack food onli.til the pt i tink its realli scary.check this:

DAY ONE = i woke up,ate cookies.then on the way to tuas,eat Mcmuffins.half way thru the journey,we pit stopped and ate A&W.once reached KL,ron's dad brought us to eat hawker food.then juz whack again.so we checked in.chill by the pool.then evening,went for dinner.kenny rogers man.15RM for main and 3 sides.so cheap!

then went shopping.things there r also rather cheap.i bought many gifts for my frenz,spend 80 SGD on frenz alone.then at night,ron's parents called for supper.wah seh.whack.then slp.

DAY TWO = woke up,first thing is : EAT.hotel brkfast buffet.whack.then later,went out to shop again.didnt eat lunch though.but we bought donuts called "big apple".its like the donut factory in singapore.in fact the food in msia is fucking cheap,as in FUCKING CHEAP.

then at night,went over to ron's grandpa's place.felt out of place cuz i was very well dress while everyone was in slacks.ron's relatives r living the high lives in msia man,guys r bosses,ladies r tais tais,living the life.then whack food,all home cooked "ha-ka" food.juz fantastic.ron's cousin,Steven,is a freaking funny dude.Borned and bred in AUS but lives in singapore.used to date Michelle Chia man.haha.the funniest ABC u will ever meet.

After tt event,his other cousin April brought us to club at KLCC,but we didnt manage to get it cuz we were underage.so April brought us to the pole dance club where she frequents(she pole dances herself),but of cuz,not the sleazy type.she showed us some tricks there,and terence tried.then when my turn all i did was...climb.apparently i can climb it with ease,and the crowd cheered!then soon April asked me to climb this 24 feet pole,i was reluctant at first,but i tot "ah wad the heck".so i climbed,and the crowd applauded.the DJ's even announced my name.it was the coolest shit ever.the club wasnt happening but the music beats SG hands down.ttz me at the top of 24 feet peeps

DAY 3 = i wanted to slp more so i skipped brkfast.went over to ron's grandpa's house to eat lunch.then after tt,we moved off back to SG.on the way we stopped at Yong Peng for dinner,and bought some biscuits home.overseas with frenz r so fun.i dun mind juz going over to JB for the day.more to come i hope.

Graduation at last!oh should i say so fast its graduation?i m not completely happy tt i have graduation,but of cuz i dun mean i wanna retain -.- gonna plan to go msia next next week.got my pay but it sucks.its GSS.gonna be a big spender.haha.i m aiming a lacoste shoe.wonder if i should buy it thru ebay,but somehow,kinda noob to the online shopping thing.but i believe wadever price u see in the retail shop its actually worth 30% lesser.haha.

i m doing my sprints now.somehow i cant tahan seeing my leg so skinny.its juz not normal.haha.i m being mr sporty back again,bball,gym,run,swim,all do.i like to see myself healthy and feel healthy.i would love to lead tt sort of life forever man.at least,its self contentment.

always not been in a good mood recently.well,should say very short tempered perhaps.always known to be negative,perhaps i can fully convent my "negative" energy into something to my advantage.lets hope though.haha.til next time...and i hope to blog more often =)

what a hell of a bday it was.i officially declared 16th to 18th as my bday.celebration started on fri night.went to zouk.omg the entrance now is like 33 bucks.we ordered 2 jugs of chivas which costed us 52 bucks.but ended up the club was so packed.wasnt the zouk i used to enjoy man

yday night,went to drink at tiamo with my bros(& sis) from sports club.ordered 2 jugs and opened 2 bottles of chivas.the mixer sucks cuz it wasnt sweet.so the crazy gang decided to drink it neat.and we ended up lying dead drunk on the pavement.this is my 2nd time slping in public man.got home and immediately slept

today,i went to play mahjong with the guys for awhile.then met my GAP frenz for supper.tot wun have much ppl coming down but ended up quite a number came down,even though there is work tml.

so lets see,i spent 60 on fri,another 60 yday,and 30 plus today,excluding the etc etc.i draw like 250 in juz 3 days.but the company i got was priceless.i wanna take this time to thank those who wished me and those who were there with me those 3 days.will nv forget wad happened on my 20th bday man.i appreciate those who took time to celebrate with me.thanks so much =)

its been a long long long long time since i blogged man.been busy with work and going back sch.miss my frenz and also like to go gymming and all.like to keep myself active man.last week got sooooooooooo drunk at alvina's bday tt we all got high and slept at the playground,next thing we noe,beside us got old ppl play tai chi!lolx

i m tinking of whether to go back into competitive bball.i love the sport man,perhaps it was from there then i learn to become sporty.but i always nv played at a high lvl,always as a sub or wad.i onli was able to play cuz of my shooting,i started bball from shooting,which is not right,i onli noe how to shoot.no basics,no nth,juz shoot.if i were to start again,muz start from basics liao

i m confused!should i juz let go and live with the decisions i made in life,or should i go fight for wad i realli wan?wad should i do?but one thing's for sure,things are not and may nv be the same again.should i juz accept tt or try to change the situation?hmmmmmmmmm

finally got back to work.got my first pay slip.abt 600 - the cpf.gonna buy a few stuff but trying to constrain my budget.gonna buy my pull up bar,and running shoes.i wanna train my 6 pac alr.i m determined,but i have to give up weight carrying.i tink abit of me still wans to play bball,but if i were gonna be,i will have to start from scratch.

sometimes i tok abt u and i juz sort of realised how much i have missed out.i initially felt like it doesnt belong to me,i m not worthy.but now i tink,is it juz an excuse cuz i m not confident enuff?my imperfection has given me insecurities inside me.i m not perfect,no one is,so y did i felt i wasnt good enuff.as long as i have a good heart,and i m sincere to the ppl around me,is wad's most impt

but sometimes i feel,i m being neglected most of the time.perhaps i m doing not enuff?i,of all ppl should noe tt u earn wad u get,and u get wad u earned.but as the song goes(direct translation) : "i m juz an onion,forever the secondary role.quietly looking at u and hiding myself.but if u r willing to noe more abt me,u will be amazed and find,tt u r my deepest secret.u will sniff,u will cry,but as long as u can see,tt i tried very best".dun treat me like an onion =)